THE DOKUMEMTOR

They found out I was the one who made the self-checkout shout, “PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!” every time someone scanned moisturizer.

the internet is like learning to have conversations in crowds.

we’re not quite there.

So, my buddy Tony and I were at a wet t-shirt contest….

Like most people, when I picture Jesus, I like to picture him at a costume party wearing a diaper with a comically large baby bottle in hand, filled with Schlitz.

Right now John Mayer is in a NYC studio trying to find a new sound for his next album. He’s struggling and all full of jealousy. He doesn’t have the soul for dark, weary vocals like Dan Auerbach (Black Keys) or Mississippi Fred McDowell (even though, technically, he’s a way better guitar player. but that’s not the point.) He’s gonna do it, though. He’ll write sort of a lo-fi, depressing album that’s paranoid and heartfelt and serious. It’ll be a radical departure from his previous work. You know, really create a mood. Maybe he’ll move to Nashville and hang out with Jack White for a while.

The ‘RECORD’ light goes on and he begins. It’s a song about redemption, pain, and dying alone in an indifferent world. It is hypnotic - sometimes eschewing the chord change to enhance the aesthetic. It explores nature, love and bloody hands. He’s playing the hollow body R. L. Burnside used in 1967. It’s the first electric Burnside touched after he murdered that guy over a dice game.

As his last quiet drone fades the ‘RECORD’ light blinks out. The guys in the control room immediately bust out laughing.

John says into the mic, “I know, right?”

An intern slips through the door and hands him a latte.

yum!

Yesterday was my first time at Pappy’s Smokehouse. The ribs were like a drag off your first cigarette. I spent the rest of my day chugging water, jaw clenched with people asking, “Are your pupils dilated?”

cleaning

I’m looking at all the cool shit I need to own to do what I like to do. Snowboards, guitar amps, engine hoists, lights, spare wheels, tools, cutters, servers, bikes, etc.

I’ll never need to own a parachute. That makes me sad.